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Year 5 Without You

5 long hard years without you, yet 5 short happy years without you!  Its a very strange thing.  Sometimes i feel like i can hardly remember a time when you were here and others i still don’t imagine my life without you in it.  You will always be in my life, not only do i have two of your beautiful children to remind me of you (and they frequently do), but for a short time i was happier than i had ever been and felt like the most special person in the world.  You had the knack of making me feel so special, like i was the starring actress in a romance film.  Cheesey i know, but something that secretly every girl wants.  You really were my prince charming and i miss you so much!

So in this last year your son has grown up so much.  He is now a back chatting, bossy, non stop chatty little man.  He wakes up grumpy, just like you.  He cant help but admire himself in a mirror, just like you and he has started dancing, unfortunately…..just like you.  He loves anything army or plane related, because of you.  He frequently tells me how much he loves his Daddy and how sad he is that he wasn’t born, as he just wanted to meet you.  He cried a lot on arriving home, after a  trip back from Uncle Murrays, as he fell asleep and missed the “Army” where you used to work.  He has been asking a lot to go to your hill and even asked if you would come back if we took something to your bench.  We always leave you flowers or chocolate , yet they are never there when we go back.  Charlie thinks this is because you come down and get it.  He told me one day that you were in the sun shining down on us and he knows you watch over us and love us back.  You would be so proud, he is desperate to go in a rocket, right up your street.  He is a proper little chip off the old block and all that without ever having met you.  He handles me well, just like you did and if he continues, women will not be in short supply when he gets older.  He too will be entering nightclubs with a woman under each arm!

Our little Picalilly (Isla) is a right little diva.  I can’t believe where the last year has gone. Isla is definitely independent, knows what she wants and frankly is not happy if she can’t get it and lets every body know.  She has quite the temper and people frequently comment on not knowing where she gets that from… hmmmm, lets just say not so much like you!  Charlie adores his little sister and mostly takes good care of her.  She thinks he is very funny and today i was reminded of how gorgeous they both are and how lucky i am, when i came down stairs to the sound of proper belly laughing giggles from Isla who was being tickled by charlie.  She is so loud.  Charlie spent several month roaring at her, now she roars at the top of her voice everywhere and anywhere.  She frequently hits her head on the floor in tantrum, tries to escape from the bath, the front door, back door and even dog flap.  She definitely keeps me on my toes, blink and she’s gone.  Isla has been walking since 9 1/2 months and loves her shoes.  Shoes mean she is going outside and that makes her happy.  She even went and got her coat for me today, despite the fact we weren’t going out.  Every time i turn around she is stood on a table or chair and just managed to get caught at nursery the other day before hitting the floor as she fell backwards from standing on the slide.  All her dangerous escapades aside, she (touch wood) is still far less accident prone than our little Mr Bump!

Miss you!

Year Two Without You.

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So today you have been gone for two years.  I cannot believe I have not seen or spoken to you for that long, its very surreal.  Sometimes I feel like you have been gone ages and sometimes it still feels like you are in my life every day.  I still don’t go a day without thinking of you in some shape or form, especially now our cheeky little chappy Charlie has developed such a strong personality of his own.  I was just discussing today how he has developed your sleep tendencies, meaning he doesn’t!!  He is so determined, strong willed and frustrated, can’t work out if he is more like me or you in that respect, truthfully, he’s stuffed, must be as stubborn at the both of us!

We have had a pretty rocky last year without you, mostly due to the fact that Charlie has been in hospital five times in five months, far too many similarities to you with a lot of his problems.  Struggling to breathe, constipation, reflux, the list could probably go on!  Still, he is such an outdoor baby, constantly trying to escape to the garden and run after the dogs, he gets excited when he sees we are about to go backpacking through the fields and he loved Solsbury Hill today, just like his Dad.  He has quite the little character and a harem of female friends to play with, you would be proud!

You know when things are changing and time is passing when I spend more time on here writing about Charlie and less about life without you, guess life does go on anyhow, but still wish you were here with us and always will.  You probably would have kicked me out several times over by now, having been driven mad with my moods and lack of patience with Charlie!

We continue to do pretty well on the fundraising stakes for the hospice, we have had several published articles since The Times did their follow up, you would be happy with your fame, this has meant we hit and continue to exceed your £5000 target.  I am about to do a 10 mile midnight walk in your honour, on behalf of the hospice, so anyone reading this, please follow the link on this blog to the hospice just giving site and spur me on, sleep is precious these days!  The deciding factor for signing up was remembering how much you suffered with lack of sleep, all those long torturous winter nights of being wide awake, blogging and planning our wedding.  What is one more night without sleep for me, when you don’t get to make that complaint anymore?  You will be pleased to hear the Ginger Scot is joining me (Murray), as well as your old colonel’s wife too, very kind of her.

I still see that seagull out in our garden and on our dog’s walks and continue to hope it is you watching over us.  I hope you miss us as much as we do you!

Until next year……..

A word of advice for anyone who has lost/is losing someone, day by day, keep planning ahead, the world continues whether you like it or not, so make sure you are an active part of it and continue to live your life, you are still here!