Year 3 Without You-It Still Sucks!

So a few people asked if i was going to write another post this year.  I have not answered their question with a simple yes or no, because the answer was until now i had no idea.  The trouble with time is people forget, things get further back in their mind and the focus shifts to other things, this is perfectly fine and natural, but i know that many of my close family and friends read these posts and that makes me want to hold back a little in my honesty.  I don’t want people worrying about me or feeling sad on my behalf, knowing that i still think of Mike every day, several times a day, even all this time on.  However i want those people that follow these posts and don’t know me to have a true understanding of how i feel, what it is like and to hopefully help those in a similar situation.  So i will ask any of those family and friends to pretend they never read this post and carry on as we have been, i don’t want to dwell on anything i say, but keep looking to the future, moving forward, carrying onwards and upwards!

So one of Mikes military friends and the Padre at our wedding and Mike’s funeral, (Tony Coslett) said to me not long after Mike had died, that the average grieving period was about two years and the second year is usually harder than the first.  Well, he was right!  However, having always been emotionally slow, the third year in some ways has been worse still.  The first year i was like a different woman, i had never been so positive and really, quite unexpectedly, enjoyed life a lot.  Of course i missed Mike, but life had been really quite tough, physically and emotionally looking after him whilst he was sick, so towards the end of Mikes life i found myself, buying new clothes, getting a new haircut and generally doing things that made me feel good about myself.  The second year, reality started kicking in, but i loved talking about Mike and hearing lots of stories, his presence in speech made me smile and think of mostly good times.  This last year and particularly the last few months, remembering good times has started to make me feel sad, i now feel the loss, when i think of him i feel what i am missing and the true realisation that there will be no new memories made kicks me in the gut and stabs me in the heart.  Reliving the same thoughts and memories over and over is not so comforting any more .  Changes that Mike would be so pleased to see and hear about are occurring and i can’t tell him and lots of those changes wouldn’t have the same impact telling someone else.  I see all my mummy friends going off on day trips and holidays with their other halves and children and feel the massive hole where Mike should be, whisking me and Charlie off.  We would be doing much more and going to far more places if he was with us.  Don’t get me wrong i love Charlie to pieces and we do go places and do see lots and do many fun things, but doing it with just me and Charlie is tough.  Who takes the pictures? who shares the driving, who looks after that mischievous toddler when you need to queue for something, but they don’t want to?  Its funny, a few people have asked am i missing Mike more because Charlie is getting bigger and my answer has been no, but writing this i guess the real answer appears to be yes, that is part of it.  Charlie is missing out and so am i and that makes me sad.  Mike is missing seeing our beautiful baby grow in to a handsome, funny, naughty and very cheeky little chappie, who, like his dad, uses his big blue eyes and cheeky grin to woo women!  That said, Charlie isn’t really missing out, we do almost as much as any other family and he has never known any different and is perfectly happy (except when he wears his devil horns).  I also have phenomenal family support, which we could not cope without, so Charlie is not short of love and hugs.  Besides which i knew what i was doing when i decided to go ahead without Mike, so have no right or reason to play the poor me card for that one and i am soooooo lucky to have such a gorgeous son, devil horns and all!

On that note, some may be aware that following IVF treatment with Charlie i had 12 remaining frozen embryo’s, seemed like a lot at the time, but unfortunately, following 3 attempts of frozen embryo transfer, those embryos are gone.  It may not make sense given my moan above, but i would like a brother or sister for Charlie, turns out single parenthood is hard, but not hard enough to put me off more Parke genes! It’s not the end of the road, there are potentially more attempts in the pipeline, with Mike still having more sperm in the freezer, but I’m having a bit of a break before continuing with any treatment.  Keep your fingers crossed for more positive posts in year 4!

The final issue that i feel needs to be mentioned and ties in well with more children, the moving on factor.  Lots of people have said, maybe you’ll meet someone else and have more children with them.  Maybe, but i still don’t see and don’t really want to see that anywhere in the near future.  Yes i miss the company and having someone special to share things with and yes i think about there being someone else in my life and think how nice that would be, but then i think about how wonderful Mike was and how wonderful he made me feel.  I married him for a reason, he was one in a million and i am not about to date a million men to try to find one that may come close to him, at least not in the forseeable future anyway.  This is the other reason year 3 has been hard, my mind is wanting me to move on and leave the past as a beautiful, happy memory, but my heart (emotionally slow) is not ready to keep up just yet.  I am happy to accept that this is all part and parcel of the grief process, knowing how you go about moving on and feeling a bit bad about that, but I am also confident that time and the natural  grief process will sort this problem out, so i don’t have to spend too long worrying about it.  I am a believer in fate, so one way or another i am sure nature will take its course and Charlie and i will continue live a happy and privileged life, touched by a beautiful soul.

3 responses to “Year 3 Without You-It Still Sucks!

  1. Hi Kady, I have been reading your blog and absolutely relate to everything you say. I lost my dear husband 15 months ago from oesophageal cancer, he was 39yrs. I too cared for him until he died at home with his loving family around him, I was 31yrs. We had no children but planned to have a family and I am planning to do the same as you and try and have his child using fertility treatment from his sperm that was frozen. I would really appreciate discussing this with you if you felt you could via email? There are so many mixed feelings I have about this and feel the only person who understands is someone who has been through the same. I totally agree that year 2 is harder, reality sets in and you miss them more than ever. I feel like a lost soul without him and struggle to come to terms with the fact I’ll never see him again.

  2. I followed yours and mikes progress after I read an article in Bella (yes, us blokes like to read those magazines as well). I was moved by what he was going through after losing my father to cancer a few years previous, even though it was not as severe and widespread as mike’s (jeez, I refer to him like I know him, even though it was only through his blog and your follow ons after he sadly passed) it still tears you to shreds. I am happy to see that you are slowly moving on with your life and that a part of mike lives on in your son Charlie. do not let people give you time scales on how long it will take for you to come to terms with your loss. grief affects us all in many ways and so the grieving process will also vary from person to person. it is 9yrs this Christmas eve that I lost my dad and he is with me in my thoughts on a daily basis and there are times when I am doing something or listening to a particular piece of music that it brings it all back that he would have enjoyed that. you never truly get over this. you just adjust and manage to balance your feelings and emotions. be strong for you and Charlie and I await your next post. x Date: Thu, 1 May 2014 21:45:23 +0000 To: geezer_72@hotmail.co.uk

  3. Dear Kady, thank you so much for your wonderful words, I so agree with everything, especially the last chapter.
    I don’t know if you remember, we exchanged a few emails in 2011. My husband died 3 months after Mike and during that time you sent me some comforting emails.
    I don’t have a child but two dogs now, what you wrote still relates a iot to me as well!
    But you are right, it still sucks

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s